Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Return of the Utica Wreckers

For those who are fans of basketball parody, especially that of the ABA, below is the latest from CBA historian Chuck Miller. Chuck is a freelance writer who is currently researching the old Eastern League. The ABA is a comedy show in itself, and Chuck has made it even more so in his latest musings comparing the ABA to the troubled USBL. Enjoy. Copied from

After what their press releases deemed as a "truly successful and unchallenged season in the ABA," the uncrowned champion Utica Wreckers have announced that they will enter the USBL.

Fans of the most popular ABA franchise not run by a Sports Illustrated reporter will thrill at the skills of 53-year-old center Schultz Dooley, full-blooded Native American forward Tyree Elk Deer, multi-sport cross-checking forward Sylvain Lemieux; nine-year-old point guard Purlie Scarvin; 15-time NBA champion head coach Bill Corona; the colorful dance team "Utica Mary and the Wrecked'em," the ultra-exciting mascot "Pickup," and the team's all-time leading scorer, a starting point guard that goes under the nickname of "Magpie."

"The USBL is folding faster than the underwear in my clothes closet," said team owner and starting point guard Joe Newman, "And this is the chance we've been waiting for to claim our second championship. You know, in the ABA we were undefeated against all teams that played us ethically and fairly - there were some franchises that did not understand what ethical and moral meant, and we don't count games against those as having been played. Meanwhile, we're going to assume the remaining schedule for one of the USBL teams - can't remember which one, maybe it's those NEPA Breakers who thought they could go it without us - and prove that we are the unstoppable force of minor league basketball."

The Wreckers have already claimed a 6-0 record in the USBL by assuming wins against New Jersey, Long Island and Jackson. "We were willing to play them, but they didn't show up. So we take the wins and that already puts us in first place," said Newman.

The Wreckers' first game in the USBL is scheduled to be against the Albany Patroons on Sunday, May 5th. More information to follow.

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